fall(ing)

Every year I see fall as the signifier that the death of many things is imminent: laying by the pool on one maddeningly hot summer day, walking across green grass with bare feet, summer concerts, camping trips, shorts and tank tops, freckles, etc. The weight and palpable sensuality of existence seems to ripen and swell in August before the switch happens in September, sometimes more drastically than others. I find myself introverting, licking my proverbial wounds before wrapping them in cashmere and wool hoping and praying to god they don't freeze. This fall seems to sting a little worse than the rest, I am wrestling with demons bigger than those that come with the change of the seasons. like so many other times in life I have found myself at a threshold and feel inadequate. Certain recent failures have bruised my ego and have left me feeling sleepy and sedated in my day to day dealings. With every fall my life seems to become more and more complex and I almost begrudgingly revaluate, reorganize, compromise and move forward a little more tired and aged than the year before.

Tonight, things were different. I took my dogs for a night walk in the park near my house and witnessed one of those rare November moments which almost, ALMOST make winter worth it. It was raining the way which makes street lights have those misty halos, the kind that begs for big knit sweaters, hot drinks and Red House Painters. Walking tonight took me back to London, where my adult life, or at least post-adolescent, life began. I remembered curiosity, simplicity, and that electric, raw and sometimes terrifying path of self discovery I found myself on. Juxtaposing that memory to my relatively comfortable uneventful life I am leading now left me nostalgic for things and dreams not obtained. It reminded me how I wanted everything, how I always knew I would be something great; even if I didn't know what that was I knew it would be fantastic. It reminded me that I still do want those things, but somehow I have lost that part of me walking through life's leafy interior. I want to see and do things that many ordinarily wouldn't want or choose for themselves. I want adventure, passion and so desperately to feel that uncomfortable, seedy feeling of the new, the now.